Reality bites

"There was of course no way of knowing whether you were being watched at any given moment. How often, or on what system, the Thought Police plugged in on any individual wire was guesswork. It was even conceivable that they watched everybody all the time. But at any rate they could plug in your wire whenever they wanted to. You had to live—did live, from habit that became instinct—in the assumption that every sound you made was overheard, and, except in darkness, every movement scrutinized." - George Orwell, 1984

I had a frustrating and confusing morning. First. I awoke to an email from one of the teachers I work with. From Day 1 he had given me his syllabus as a sample but urged me to do whatever I wanted with the class. At first I tried to run lesson plans by him, but he always replied that it was my class and I could do as I pleased. This morning's email 'suggested' that I follow his syllabus, because that is the content the students will be tested on in the upcoming midterm. What? I emailed him my concerns: my students have been doing really well in class, but they seem doomed to bomb the midterm since I haven't been following his syllabus at all, and there are only a handful of classes left before the exam. This hardly seems fair.

Second. Last night I mentioned to Trang in passing that Anh Thu had invited me to have lunch with her today. Apparently, this set wheels in motion, and Trang invited me to breakfast to inform me that she and the school administration thought it was not safe for me to do this, and they didn't want me to do so. Moreover, we had a long, vague but disconcerting discussion about my (lack of) freedoms in Vietnam. By the end of it, I was left under the impression that I am more or less being watched and must always be careful about what I am doing. Whenever a teacher takes me out to lunch, they must first inform the authorities (who exactly the authorities are was part of the vagueness) that they are doing so. It seems like the authorities can call the school at any time to ask where I am and what I am doing and how I am feeling and the school must be able to answer. I don't understand, then, why I can go places alone seemingly at will but if I am accompanied by anyone else it becomes an official matter. Trang told me that this district is notoriously strict with all of its residents.

I was planning on meeting Anh Thu anyway, but then Trang contacted me to make lunch plans, perhaps to make sure I didn't do exactly what I was planning. I understood that the school was looking out for me, and watching it's own back, too, but I feel like I should be able to make my own decisions and trust my own judgment. I felt very very upset. Anh Thu has shown me nothing but kindness. We would be eating in her shop, on the side of the road, in plain sight. Pretty low-risk. I had really been looking forward to lunch, but now I found myself having to reject her kindness against my will and couldn't really explain why. When Trang came to pick me up for lunch it was clear on my face that I had been crying. I have heard other ETAs' stories of awkwardly received public crying (in Vietnam it is considered shameful to cry in public) and it was my turn to experience it. Instead of acknowledging that I was upset, Trang seemed to be doing everything in her power to ignore it. But, when she asked me what I was thinking I couldn't not tell her. We were still standing outside my door so I asked her to come inside. When I started explaining my frustrations, my eyes started watering again. She pointedly looked away from me the whole time.

After the crying moment we ended up having a really good talk during which I expressed my confusions and many things were cleared up. Some details augmented the 1984 feelings, but overall it was important to me to have my questions addressed directly rather than circuitously. I made a point of telling Trang that I wasn't upset with her, just with the situation. Trang decided to accompany me and Morena to Anh Thu's place to help explain things to her as well. It wasn't really the vibe I wanted: Trang and Anh Thu just spoke Vietnamese to each other with occasional translations from Trang, but after a while Trang left and I got to fend for myself. We talked about how light skin is beautiful in Vietnam but tan skin is beautiful in the US; we talked about our weather preferences; we talked about naps, and more. If you were to ask me for specific vocabulary relevant to any of those themes, I wouldn't be able to come up with much. But somehow we talk. Somehow we understand each other, and it's not just because of body language or translation. Anh Thu invited us to her wedding next month. We'll see what happens.

Literally the highlight of my evening. What is it? A firefly in my hand.

My evening was much better. I had the English club for teachers, and teaching was fun and energizing as usual. After that I went out with Hong and her friends, a group that included Phong, the only boy in the class, as well. It was nice to get to talk to a different student, and also to observe boy-girl interactions.

Mango smoothie. So good I might just have to
get one for breakfast tomorrow.